Why
by ArwenLalaith
Summary: Tag to 'Demonology'. He should be upset with her, he should be waiting for an apology, yet here he was, just like he'd always been, just like he'd promised always to be. Co-written with Confetti Leaves.


She couldn't have said how long she'd been standing there, the heavying snowfall, the darkening sky, the biting wind picking up not even registering. Completely unaware of the world passing by around her, the first thing she remembered was the feel of a warm, mittened hand grabbing hold of hers, nearly chilled to the bone from the cold.

He didn't say anything for the longest time and she was more than happy to just leave the silence be. She knew she was lucky that he was standing there with her, content to stand there in silence or hold her as she cried, especially after she'd been so horrible to him when he was only trying to keep her grounded. He should be upset with her, he should be waiting for an apology, yet here he was, just like he'd always been, just like he'd promised always to be.

She leaned her head on his chest, quietly breathing in his masculine scent which never failed to soothe her frayed nerves. Her tears slowly soaked through his shirt and she didn't know if she was grieving for her friend or if she was just relieved that it was all over...but it never bothered him that she could be crying for another man in his arms. He continued to run a soothing hand down her back, comforting her in his own way.

After what seemed an eternity, her tears slowed. She looked up at him and saw that there was an understanding in his eyes that never went away. Even after she had been horrible to him, snapping at him and ignoring him for days, he never once blamed her.

Her heart ached and warmed simultaneously at the realization, wondering what had she ever done to deserve someone like him, simply happy that he was in her life.

"Let's go home," she whispered.

"There's a place I'd like to take you to first," he said, grabbing her hand and leading her to the car.

"I don't know..." she sighed, not sure that she had the strength left to do anything other than collapse and mourn for all the she had lost.

He kissed her forehead. "Just trust me, okay?"

She nodded listlessly, sinking into the car. The drive passed in a blur like the one passing her by as she stared out the window, the snowy haze making her realize how cold she felt, inside and out.

"Where are we going?" she asked quietly when they came to a stop.

He kissed her knuckles and smiled. "Somewhere nice."

When he turned into a parking lot, she stared at him, confusion clearly written across her face. "This is your definition of 'nice'? Derek, I'd rather go home."

"There _is_ something nice about hospitals," he assured, "I'll show you." He got out of the car and opened the door for her, leading her towards the hospital, albeit with some reluctance on her part.

"Why are we here?" she asked as he lead her through the halls, almost completely empty apart from them.

"I promise this will help," he assured, stopping in front of a window and gently turning her so she could follow his gaze. "There isn't a wounded soul that can't be fixed by babies."

"A nursery...?" she asked slowly, looking at him with curiosity in her eyes.

"They're really tiny, huh?" he asked, smiling as he watched the babies through the glass.

She followed his gaze and her heart melted at the sight of the infants sleeping peacefully. She knew she was probably hallucinating, but she thought she heard them cooing in their sleep.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she watched a nurse hand an infant to the mother – never had she wished that she could hold her own baby more than she did now. Tears slid down her cheeks as she watched the mother cradle her baby in her arms and Emily felt her arms had never been more empty.

His arms came around her from behind, wrapping her tightly in his embrace. "It's over," he whispered.

"Why did this happen?" she asked, her voice breaking, "Why did this happen to me?"

He kissed her cheek softly. "Sometimes, there just aren't answers..." he said quietly. "I know that doesn't help, it doesn't make it any easier, but sometimes..." He sighed, realizing that he didn't have the answers to help her. "I'm sorry," was all he could say that didn't feel fake.

"I wish none of this had happened."

"So do I," he murmured. "But I'm glad I could be there for you when it did...or at least, for some of it."

"I don't deserve you," she sniffed.

"That's ridiculous." He hugged her tighter, kissing her temple. "You have no idea how happy I am to be with you. I love you."

She let out a strangled sob as she fought to keep her emotions in check. "How can you love someone like me?" she whispered, "How can you still be here knowing what I did?"

"You didn't have a chance, Em," he said gently, "I know what it's like to be fifteen and scared. You were in a foreign place, you had no friends, your mother was never there for you...I could only imagine what you went through."

"Why are you so nice to me?" she sighed, "Why aren't you making me apologize for being horrible to you? Why aren't you upset with me?"

"You don't need me being upset with you on top of everything else," he assured, "I know you didn't mean it, you were going through a hard time...trust me, I know."

"But it's not fair to you," she whispered, "You didn't deserve that."

"It's okay," Morgan insisted, turning her in his arms so he could look her in the eye. "I remember that I wasn't exactly nice to you when you came to me after Chicago..."

"But..."

"No 'buts'." He shook his head. "We both have a screwed up past, Em. I won't love you any less because of what you did when you were a teenager. I promised I'll always be there for you and I have no intention of breaking it."

Again, she let out a choked sob, pulling out of his embrace, and crossing her arms over her chest insecurely. "You shouldn't say that..." she said faintly, tears glistening in her eyes, "You don't know..."

"Emily..." he started to cut her off, but she wouldn't let him.

"I never told you," she warned.

"So, tell me now," he urged, "I want to know."

She frowned in a 'don't speak too soon' kind of expression. She looked up towards the ceiling and took a deep, steadying breath. "Things were bad after...the procedure," she said slowly and he got the feeling that bad didn't even begin to cover it.

"I didn't let my own baby live – I didn't even give him or her a chance..." she sobbed, "I felt _so_ guilty. Sometimes, when I would lay in bed at night, I thought I heard a baby crying, I thought I heard someone ask, 'Mommy, why don't you want me?'." She wiped her tears away with the heel of her hand. "Everything became worse when Matthew changed, knowing it was my fault."

"Emily..."

"I didn't know what to do, I didn't have anyone to turn to," she whispered. Looking back at him, she sighed, "You can't love me after knowing what I tried to do..."

"Try me."

"I tried to kill myself, Derek," she said, practically able to feel her heart ripping to pieces all over again, "I took away someone else's – an innocent baby's – life...what right did I have to go on living?"

"But you were just a kid, you did what you had to," he justified.

She shook her head. "I couldn't look at myself knowing what I'd done, I hated myself – I knew I'd spend every single day of the rest of my life regretting it. Dying was the only thing that would make it go away."

She covered her face with her hands as if trying to hide from her shame, from his intense gaze. "I took a lot of sleeping pills...I didn't want to be awake when it happened, I didn't want to be aware of what I was doing. But then I got scared – I didn't even have the guts to go through with ending my own life – I couldn't finish what I'd started. I just keep thinking about how it would ruin Mother's career or how much Matthew had sacrificed to save my life; I'd already ruined one person's life, I couldn't let myself destroy everyone else's."

Leaning back against the wall, eyes still tightly shut, she sighed heavily. "My body was already trying to get rid of the poison, I was sick for weeks, but I never told anyone...Mother thought it was food poisoning. I've never told _anyone _the truth."

He was silent for several excruciatingly long moments as she kept her gaze trained firmly on the linoleum floor. Finally, he said quietly, "Emily, do you know why I brought you here?"

"No..."

"There are times when everything seems so dark and it feels like nothing is ever going to be okay again, but then I come here and seeing the babies, perfect and innocent, I know there's hope. I feel like I can have a clean slate. It might not make sense to you, but it always reaffirmed the faith that everything is worthwhile."

Biting her lip, she finally dared to look him in the eye. "But why haven't I ever noticed before?"

"I haven't needed to come here since we started dating – when I'm with you, the only affirmation of the good in the world I need is to see your smile or feel your kiss...it makes it all go away." Hearing her sob again, it was his turn to sigh, "Look, Emily, I don't care what you've done; it makes absolutely no difference when it comes to how I feel about you. All I care is that you're here with me now."

"Why doesn't this bother you?" she asked desperately.

"It _does_ bother me," he said, "You don't think it scares me to know that there was a time when I could have lost you before I even knew you? But that doesn't change how I feel about you. I only want to love you more to make up for everything that has happened."

She didn't seem completely convinced and he reminded, "Baby, do you remember what I told you when we started dating? I said I love everything about you; the good, the bad, and everything in between. That's never going to change. Trust me. I love you, despite of all that has happened."

"Can you do that?"

He pulled her to him once again and she seemed to deflate in his arms, collapsing against him. "Of course I can – you make it easy to love you." He pressed a tender kiss to her temple. He reminded, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you. And I'm _always _going to be here."

"Thank you," she whispered into his chest, tears running freely from her eyes again.

"No," he shook his head, gently wiping her tears with his thumb. "No more crying, you've cried enough. It's going to be okay. You know why?"

"Why?"

He turned her around to face the nursery. "Because we have something to look forward to. Because one day, we'll make one of those little ones. And, just between you and me, our baby would be the most beautiful one. Just like her mommy."

She gave a half-sob, half-laugh. "You really think I'll get another chance to be a mom?"

"Absolutely. It wasn't the right time when you were fifteen, but the day will come when it is right...and I can't wait for the day to get here."


End file.
